Taking Weekend Tennis Seriously

Here’s the best part about being the captain of a 4.5 USTA team: after playing a non-USTA team tennis league match against strangers who were well on their way to steamrolling my behind before my partner stepped in, placed me on her back while I’m kicking and screaming, and dragged both of us across the finish line to victory, I will, of course, ask those opponents, “Would you be interested in playing on my USTA team?”

Their response: “I’m a 4.5…um…is this a 4.5 team?”

That’s fun. Tennis is fun. Everyone should experience how much fun tennis is.

Speaking of which, I am actually captaining a 4.0 USTA team in addition to the 4.5 one this summer.

*Music screeches to a halt*

What?

No. No, I can’t play on the team. I mean, not this summer, anyway. When mid-year ratings come out though, I should be…

Yes, that’s right. I’m just captaining a tennis team…that I can’t play on.

What? Is that, like, not a usual thing people do or something? Huh. Oh! So sorry for my rudeness. We haven’t been properly introduced, yet…

Hi, I’m Christy!

Let me first say that I don’t captain to play myself. I captain so I have the option of playing if I wanted to. And then after I offer a line-up spot to myself, I’ll very grandly tell myself, “That’s okay. I’ll play the next time. Let’s let other people play!”

Everyone wins with this system. As a player, I win. I could have played, but I’m being the bigger person and not playing. Never mind the fact that playing real matches terrifies the stuffing out of me. Give me till 2015 and this turkey might be ready then.

What? I can’t hear you. It’s like you’re in a wind tunnel or something.

As I was saying, everyone wins with this system. As a player, I win. Peace of mind, warm and fuzzy feelings, etc. The people in the line-up – they win. They’re validated as very important human beings. And after those players win their matches, I, as the captain, win. Yay!

What? There’s nothing wrong with this system. I haven’t had any issues with it. I’m going to cover my ears now and sing nonsense words loudly. A-wimoweh, a-wimoweh…

In the jungle, the mighty jungle,
The lion sleeps toniggghhhttt…

Oh, right. Back to the original question. Why am I captaining a 4.0 team? Well. All I want to do is have a team full of nice players who I think will have a good time together. That’s really what recreational adult tennis is all about. Nice, friendly people playing this lovely game of tennis and having a lot of fun. That’s what I’m all about.

What? I’m sorry. I think you need to speak up. Maybe it’s your phone. Oh, you’re using a landline?

To be totally honest with you, I agreed to captain a 4.0 team because I thought that the players sitting at the table when this was first brought up who initially said yes they would play on the team were good enough to go to the play-offs. As long as the captain didn’t mess it up. And that in a nutshell is what my life is all about. That’s what I do for fun. I play a giant, metaphorical game of Jenga. Every second of every day.

While exactly how this all went down – whose idea this was in the first place – has faded over the last few months – seriously – obviously though, I was played. None of the people I was with that fated day was dumb enough wanted to captain a tennis team, and they jumped at the opportunity of having some yokel with control issues do it. Now look at me. Look at where this has gotten me. Excited about the blog content this will no doubt provide, that’s where. Oh, hey, it’s already started!

Did I ever tell you about the time when I was talking to a tennis coach late last year who said something along the lines of, “It’s not that hard to advance to the play-offs. You just fart and fall down and you’re in.”

Okay, okay, he did not use the phrase “fart and fall down.” Hee. But I do remember the explicit feeling of the gut punch as that teaching pro obliviously pooh-poohed the difficulty level of getting into the play-offs of USTA while my 2013 summertime sadness team had barely squeaked in.

Like I said. Fun. Tennis is fun. I love tennis.

Happy Sloppy Seconds Day, everyone!

What? Is that not today?